Crozier wants to snarl, wants to hit something very hard. Every little piece of him bristles, those old wounds ripping open like a scurvy-ridden scar. He knows that's how they see it, he knows that's why his leadership fell apart so easily, he knows he knows he knows...
"Did Sir John care enough about you to put your lives before his pride?" he snaps back. This beast cannot let the insult stand, this untruth. "You were there, Edward. You were there when I suggested wintering east of King William Island. Did you think I didn't care then? Or when I went to Sir John to plead for the formation of a rescue party while we were still hale?"
A thought occurs to him. A nasty, nagging little thought.
"The night Sir John died I was preparing to resign and lead the rescue party myself. I'd written the letter, I was going to leave that very night. Maybe..it was selfish, to leave and not lead. Maybe it was all I could handle after being ignored for years."
He frowns deeply, some of the wind taken out of his sails. He's still angry though, angry at the world and just a little at the man before him, still holding that smoldering look in his eyes. "I know what I am, Edward. Quick to envy, easily embittered, prideful and wrathful when I'm in my cups. I let good men die on my watch because I was ready to die, and I didn't care if I took you all with me. But if you still think that, if you still think I never loved you all-"
Crozier doesn't know how to finish it. It hangs in the air between them.
no subject
Crozier wants to snarl, wants to hit something very hard. Every little piece of him bristles, those old wounds ripping open like a scurvy-ridden scar. He knows that's how they see it, he knows that's why his leadership fell apart so easily, he knows he knows he knows...
"Did Sir John care enough about you to put your lives before his pride?" he snaps back. This beast cannot let the insult stand, this untruth. "You were there, Edward. You were there when I suggested wintering east of King William Island. Did you think I didn't care then? Or when I went to Sir John to plead for the formation of a rescue party while we were still hale?"
A thought occurs to him. A nasty, nagging little thought.
"The night Sir John died I was preparing to resign and lead the rescue party myself. I'd written the letter, I was going to leave that very night. Maybe..it was selfish, to leave and not lead. Maybe it was all I could handle after being ignored for years."
He frowns deeply, some of the wind taken out of his sails. He's still angry though, angry at the world and just a little at the man before him, still holding that smoldering look in his eyes. "I know what I am, Edward. Quick to envy, easily embittered, prideful and wrathful when I'm in my cups. I let good men die on my watch because I was ready to die, and I didn't care if I took you all with me. But if you still think that, if you still think I never loved you all-"
Crozier doesn't know how to finish it. It hangs in the air between them.