"I..." He looks up again, away from Fitzjames and his own lack of control crackling between them. The darkness above them isn't comforting but it isn't anything else either so he looks up into it, feeling his heart beating hard.
He isn't supposed to put words to it. He doesn't think he can. But he has to now, and as with most things, there's a way. Maybe if he approaches it differently. Not straight on.
"I... would have. Once." His hand taps out a fast rhythm against his thigh. "Remembered to stop. I... I think. But I... can't afford to. If I go home. There are people depending on me. And here, Francis— If he were hurt or killed because I was afraid of... guilt, because I let myself stop, I'd never forgive myself. Some things have to be done."
His hand stills for a moment as he looks away from the dark above and into Fitzjames face. "It was too important, not to believe you. So I didn't." He looks at the base of the fire, then away toward the near wall of the cave, the tapping of his hand starting up again. " But I knew your name. I would have recognized it."
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He isn't supposed to put words to it. He doesn't think he can. But he has to now, and as with most things, there's a way. Maybe if he approaches it differently. Not straight on.
"I... would have. Once." His hand taps out a fast rhythm against his thigh. "Remembered to stop. I... I think. But I... can't afford to. If I go home. There are people depending on me. And here, Francis— If he were hurt or killed because I was afraid of... guilt, because I let myself stop, I'd never forgive myself. Some things have to be done."
His hand stills for a moment as he looks away from the dark above and into Fitzjames face. "It was too important, not to believe you. So I didn't." He looks at the base of the fire, then away toward the near wall of the cave, the tapping of his hand starting up again. " But I knew your name. I would have recognized it."