singillatim | 🎵whistle while you work🎶(closed)

"I do."

Even though he's relatively new, Billy isn't a steward for nothing. He knows where to keep an eye out, where to keep an ear out - how to gain the most information in any given situation, without necessarily having to ask for it in the first place.

"If you want, we could go there right now?" People don't seem too prone to stealing things here, so it probably can't hurt for Raju to leave his blanket for a bit, he figures. It's obvious enough that it's some sewing project in the works, anyway. That someone was clearly working on it. "You see, I.."

His voice trails off for a moment, thinking about how much to admit to here to a man he's only meeting for the first time, but he does decide to give away at least a little bit here. It'll probably become obvious real quick if they run into Rorschach, anyway.

".. the person who gathers material for the library is rather eccentric, and I have a feeling he isn't too fond of me." Quickly followed up with: "Or people in general, perhaps."

Mostly because Billy figures that is Rorschach's problem, rather than anything personal with Billy, and he sure doesn't want to make it sound like the uneasiness he feels around Rorschach is his own fault!

"So I'd feel slightly more at ease going there alongside someone else." Rather than alone. Billy would panic if left alone in a room with Rorschach of all people, Raju..

"I can keep his attention away from you." Raju smiles — it's a use he's put himself to before, taking attention from someone who doesn't want it, and something that comes easily, though the kind of crowd he's used to isn't anything like anyone that he's met here — and then looks down at the needle in his hand, considering. He doesn't have anything to wear outside but this, but he isn't done with the thread yet. He sticks the needle in the blanket, hoping it'll stay, wrapping and tucking the whole thing around himself. This place is cold enough that he usually doesn't take off his shoes inside, and no one has ever minded; he's ready to head out already.

"Tell me about him," Raju says, hands still moving. He's done this enough times, he doesn't have to pay much attention to make sure the blanket is secure around him. "What is it you're worried about? Bad temper?"

Billy is quiet for a moment after that initial statement. It's not even because he's giving Raju the time to focus on bundling himself up again, or because he's waiting for the rest of what the other says. Instead he seems almost.. a little stunned for a moment, quiet. His eyes are just a little wider than they had been so far in their conversation, that hint of surprise sneaking into the way he looks at Raju.

He's simply unused to anyone offering to do something for him so readily, even with a smile and all.

By the time Raju speaks again, Billy manages to put himself over it, but something about the way he mumbles, "Thank you," sounds very genuine all the same. Maybe still a little caught off guard, making something about him seem a touch shy.

"And the problem is-- something like that, yes." He seems perfectly content to wait for Raju to finish his business with the blanket, standing there as he explains. "He threatened me when I first woke up in this place. If I hadn't done my best to diffuse the situation, I'm fairly sure he would have beaten me and left me for dead out there in the wilds, if not worse. He seems perfectly fine with behaving impolitely towards other people, but if those people then do the same to him, his temper plays up."

It's been a while since anyone stood up for this man, that's obvious in the way he responds to a statement Raju hadn't put much thought into making. Or maybe it only doesn't happen often. Or maybe only not from strangers, which Raju is to him, after all.

William goes on, noting it isn't just a bad temper he's worried about but a dangerous one, and Raju's attention sharpens. It makes dealing with whoever this is less a worry for William and more of a risk; that's good to know. Raju's never met anyone he wasn't confident that he could fight off, particularly with the weapons in this place being as limited as they are, while William seems the opposite. That makes Raju an even better choice for keeping the attention of a temperamental man. Raju finishes arming himself as well as he can against the cold and starts walking toward the door as he speaks.

"Reminds me of some of the men I've served under," he offers with a quick smile. Between William's shy, hesitant manner and that wry note about arbitrary inspections, Raju is confident William will understand exactly what he means. Navy and army and the crown's police forces might have their differences, but some things are going to remain the same. "What is it you said that made him angry? With men like this it helps to know where their soft spots are."

Difficult, though, to imagine the man next to him being impolite to anyone. But waking up here that way might lock in a habit of shy subordination, wouldn't it, for someone who's already inclined that way.

Edited (clarity) 2024-03-09 14:59 (UTC)

It seems like Raju is hitting the right notes - or perhaps just reading the other man well enough, since Billy definitely gives him a slight smile in the return when the other makes that first statement. Sure, the smile is definitely still small and shy, but it seems genuine enough. Like he can truly recognize that sentiment. Billy is withdrawn enough that he usually knew all the ways to stay out of trouble, but he certainly has seen temper aimed at others before from some of the men he's served under.

And considering he isn't very used to gossiping with coworkers - technically Raju could count as one, though very distantly related - he's finding right now that it actually feels kind of nice.

.. even if the Rorschach matter is still on the table. Still, with Raju seeming so kind about this entire thing, it's definitely soothing Billy's own nerves about coming face to face with that man again. He's moving right along without hesitation, leading Raju in the direction of the library.

"Matters of his mask might be best avoided," he says. Of course worded in the most indirect way possible, because Billy is still definitely English. It's in the little things. "He did not seem particularly kind throughout any of that particular encounter, but it seemed that me talking about how odd his mask is was what truly set him off."

Even though it's odd. It's so objectively odd, Raju!

Raju’s ducking his head at first, tugging at the blanket as he steps outside to try and cover a little of his face, but as William goes on Raju looks up in surprise, shoving his hands absently into the blanket’s folds.

“Oh. Rorschach.” Swiss name, a mask that moves, and a manner that’s… quiet. They’d only spoken the once but some of the people here are more obviously memorable, and he hasn’t seen anyone else in a mask in this town since he arrived here. “He didn’t seem that temperamental when we spoke, but I didn’t ask about that mask either. Strange; you don’t wear something like that expecting it to help you look unremarkable, do you? What did you say to him? Did he threaten you right away?”

"He was.." Billy starts, but then seems to struggle with the right wording for a moment. It's partially wanting to make sure to represent the situation adequately - because Billy is well aware how easily something like that can paint you in a bad light, and he was definitely the victim in that situation!! - and partially still the after effects of the lead poisoning and the scurvy. Though the latter has lifted by now, it's still left its traces within the man. ".. strange from the beginning, I suppose. Not quite as temperamental at first, but from the very start he spoke of strange things. He acted as if I had found myself in hell, and he was a devil inhabiting it."

Does it also sound strange to Billy now he's hearing it being said out loud by himself?

Yes. But he's pretty sure that actually happened, rather than being some cold or illness induced hallucination.

"I did not know what to make of it."

He goes quiet for a moment, making their footsteps against the snow, now they're outside, the only thing audible for that moment.

"Especially since I-- I died before I woke up here." It's a vulnerable thing to share, hence Billy's hesitation. But so far Raju has been relatively pleasant and helpful, even weirdly relatable in some ways.

So even though it still feels hard to admit to, he does so anyway.

The answer is vague, as explanations go, and he doesn't know William well enough to know if that's usual. It's true of plenty of people, specifics being the exception and not the rule. And if they do meet Rorschach in a bad temper, Raju's always been good at handling things on his feet. Raju is reminding himself of that and that this doesn't matter enough to press, especially with someone as shy as William seems already, when William says the rest.

Raju's eyes are wide. The blanket around him pulls a little as his hands inside it tighten. He looks down again at the ground, at his feet moving, without really seeing it. He remembers not being able to lift his arms, or move at all. Forcing his eyelids to stay open to catch what might be his last look at his friend's face and seeing it behind Akhtar, those lights moving over the sky. And then waking up here, in the snow. He swallows.

"Do you remember the... end?" he manages in a tight, quiet voice aimed down at the snow in front of his shoes. "Dying for... good? However you got here, you might have healed."

If it wasn't for the fact that it's pretty hard for him to think back on any of this, he might have been able to read a little bit more in the sudden way the volume of Raju's voice goes down like that - but as things are, he just figures it's because of the topic as a whole. Who likes talking about death, right? Billy himself sure doesn't. It's been way more convenient to ignore the entire thing so far, especially with him being alive once more here, but it felt like the best way to clarify himself.

The question the other man asks is a little surprising though. Mostly because he hadn't considered it yet himself, and it leaves him quiet as he thinks about it while they slowly move.

"I was.. out of it," he slowly says.

Unfortunately contemplating the answer does involve thinking back on his last moments. What does he remember? The pain, mostly. Goodsir's face right in front of his own. And-- that arm around him, telling him everything about who had been behind him with the knife.

"I had been suffering from scurvy for a long time by then, so my mind was no longer clear. I suppose it means I cannot give a definite answer to that, but.. I do remember everything growing.. heavy. And dark. As if I was slowly fading, until there was just nothingness."

His own voice, though naturally soft, has grown more quiet too.

"I imagine that was the end. It felt like it."

Edited 2024-03-19 22:36 (UTC)

“It doesn’t have to be.” Raju’s voice is firm now, relieved. If William doesn’t remember, not for sure, like Raju doesn’t remember for sure, then that’s the answer. It has to be.

“Look.” He lifts his arm and pulls the blanket and sleeve back from it, pointing with quick, forceful movements at his forearm, leaning toward William as he talks, his voice starting to come out quicker, too. “There should be a snakebite here. Just here. But it’s completely healed, not even a scar. If whatever came between my… leaving and arriving here can heal me this way, maybe there’s been enough time between for you to have healed, too. We just don’t remember. I don’t know why someone would be taking people so close to death and moving them to Canada with no memory of any of it, but it makes more sense than being dead, doesn’t it?”

... oh no.

Billy is rapidly realising something here. Or maybe it's just his opinion, since he can't be sure of this just as much as Raju himself can't be sure of it, but he's pretty sure the other also died and is in denial about it.

Not that he doesn't understand the urge. Billy, too, wanted to live. Desperately so. It feels like a small miracle that he is somehow alive again here, but he's also fully convinced that he died somewhere in between back on the expedition and this place. There is absolutely no way he could have survived that. Surviving a snake bite - maybe that's possible, but surviving a knife in the back, straight into his organs, when he was already on his way out due to the illness? It feels impossible.

He wonders if Raju realises that too. If he's desperately trying to convince himself of the opposite because of that. At least Billy knows better than to call the other out for it. After all, if it's Raju's coping mechanism, then who would Billy be to take that from him? He's got so much experience with keeping his opinions to himself at this point, anyway.

"I suppose it does," he says, a small nod of his head. It isn't exactly enthusiastic agreement, but with how withdrawn Billy seems in everything and the specific topic being so serious, it likely doesn't stand out a whole lot. ".. though I am sorry to hear about your snakebite. That must have been a terrible experience."

Something that's just factually true, but.. you know, also a sliiiight diversion in the topic from having to agree with what might be Raju's desperate delusion.

"It..." Raju's eyes are wide, expression half-frozen in the stubborn set that it'd been in. His gaze flickers down, away, then up again. He only realises he'd been expecting a fight when he, fairly abruptly, hadn't gotten one. Some kind of fight, anyway. Convincing him. I'm sorry about your snakebite feels so, so...

So normal, is what it feels. Raju's starting to feel a bit, now, like he's just gone on some kind of wild screed about the weather; he may as well have, for the level of importance William seems to ascribe to being convinced of it.

Raju straightens, leaning away again, watching himself tug his sleeve back down and the blanket over it for an excuse to look away. There really is no reason to be so... so passionate about it if it's true, is there? Of course there isn't.

"It could have been worse," he mutters. "I'm here, after all. You, ah— you thought you were in Hell, though? When you got here?"

It isn't exactly what William had said, but saying it helps Raju find some distance from a moment ago.

"You aren't the first person to tell me that." He tugs on his fingers, hurting with the cold already, then reaches inside the pocket he's sewn into the blanket and takes his mittens out, busying himself with putting them on. "The first person was Rorschach, incidentally. Seems to be a common belief here."

"I.. did not necessarily think so myself," he answers, though slowly, like he's thinking about it all as he says it.

After all, his thoughts had been a mess back then. What was he supposed to think, waking up in a place that still was so cold that it felt like it was seeping into his bones, lying there in the snow that was completely soaked in his own blood? All Billy remembers is a lot of his initial thoughts having turned back to the moment before it, the betrayal of it all only hitting him then. He mostly remembers thinking about Hickey, but..

.. well, there's no way he's going to share that here. Even if his initial impression of Raju has been relatively good, a lot of those thoughts had been complicated and messy. Billy isn't good at sharing his feelings in general, and when said feelings are considered sodomy, he knows better than to share it with anyone, instead shoving it all right back down.

"It was that same man who told me that as well." Apparently it's just how Rorschach is greeting all the new people here. Truly cheery, though unsurprising when Billy considers the way Rorschach comes across in general. "Just like you are saying though, none of this feels like the afterlife to me."

He will give Raju that. Even if Billy fully believes that they both must have died, they're somehow alive here.

Billy thinks about Raju's emotional near-outburst a moment ago. It causes a slight pause, but then he says: "We are alive here. We breathe. We eat. Our hearts beat."

He isn't too sure why he's saying it, really. It's not like him to reassure other people.

Maybe it's because he just really believes in these words, Billy tells himself.

(Maybe it's that he actually does want to reassure the other man a little, in return for the kindness Raju has shown him so far.)

Edited 2024-03-26 22:52 (UTC)

Raju watches him while he says it, takes a slow, bracing breath after he finishes, smiles in a tight, polite sort of way. If William is trying to reassure him like this, he was going a little too far. Damn.

Well. It's important, isn't it? It's an important question to know whether you have the answer. Regardless, though: Raju nods briskly, smile relaxing, as if William isn't saying anything he doesn't already know. "And need to sleep. And if it were hell, the food would be worse."

He looks down at his hands as he walks, still tugging at the edges of the mittens with a little more attention than he needs to pay to the way that they fit over his hands. "But I didn't mean to pull you off track. You were telling me about your first encounter with Rorschach, weren't you? You said you didn't really believe that he was right about where you were, even then?"

There's a slight nod on his end.

"It's.. difficult, isn't it?" It's like he had to decide on the word for a moment there. "While we are here, it feels impossible to determine the exact nature of this place. But even if we don't know for sure, it has never felt like an afterlife to me."

Partially because Billy has been iffy on ever fully believing in that idea, despite it being the norm where he comes from. Religion suddenly doesn't seem so attractive anymore when it's condemning you for what you are. For something you can't change. But the last thing he wants to do is get into a potential religious discussion with someone who seems pleasant enough so far, so he shoves it under the rug for now.

"So I told him that he seemed more like a man to me than a demon from hell, despite him wearing that mask. Me then implying it was strange for a person to wear that sort of mask was what got him to threaten me."

It's never felt like one to Raju, either. But then there's the creeping doubt— how would he know? It certainly doesn't look the way that he'd been told time after death would but somewhere in him, unconsciously, he'd always assumed most of it was mostly metaphors anyway. He hadn't really thought about that until he'd been faced with— with the idea of the reality of it. And he really doesn't feel dead.

And aside from feeling, he can't be. He still has too much to do. He's the only one who can do it, and he isn't finished yet.

This has to be something else.

It doesn't matter. William doesn't need convincing of it anyway, and has asked for Raju's help with other things. "It is strange though, isn't it? Even the mask itself is strange, with those... things that move. I wanted to ask him how it worked; maybe it's a good thing I was distracted. What did he threaten you with?"

Thank god that Raju agrees with him on this one. Billy does like to think that Rorschach's mask is pretty objectively strange, but that man had acted like it had somehow been a normal thing. Despite the mask itself being odd enough - both in the design and in the way Rorschach always seems to wear it around town, to a point where Billy is pretty sure no one here must ever have seen his actual face - and then the way it seems to shift while you look at it being even weirder.

At least there's still some people here who have a good head on their shoulders, apparently.

"Nothing specific," he replies to the question. Though he also knows it didn't have to be specific. Not when Rorschach is so intimidating to Billy in general. "Only general harm."

And it probably doesn't take a genius to take a look at Billy and tell that he isn't exactly a fighter. Not when he's shaped like a stickbug, and when his pale skin and the sickly dark colouration around his eyes make him look like a stiff breeze could knock him over. If Rorschach wanted to hurt him, he easily could.

"But it is enough to make me hesitate on going near him." Alone, at least. It's why Billy is still walking in the direction of the library, despite what he's saying. Because he's got Raju with him here, and given everything the other has said so far, Billy likes to think he'll be able to rely on him.

"Mm," he says, thoughtful. It would have been more helpful of Rorschach to be specific, so Raju could tell whether he was dealing with someone who knows how to fight. Swiss name, odd manner, American accent— it isn't much to know about a person. That's alright. Raju's confident in his own ability to improvise. Most people would rather threaten to fight than actually do it, and if Rorschach collected enough books into one place to call it a library, maybe he'll hesitate to get too physical somewhere that might damage them.

"Have you talked to him since?"

🎵whistle while you work🎶(closed)

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cw: descriptions of death

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