open | i heard a scream in the woods somewhere

[burying]

Who: Kieren Walker + You!
What: Kieren struggles with the consequences of his Free Runner Feat.
When: The Month of February
Where: Milton; Milton wilds.

Content Warnings: Will be listed in individual prompts.



permissions are here | contact: heolstor / _heolstor for questions/plotting

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[notarat]

[ .. a secret?

Billy frowns just a little bit. Mostly because he sure didn't see this turn in the conversation coming, but.. ]

Of course.

[ The fun part is that Kieren totally could have gotten away with this, were it not for his odd reactions to all of this. After all, Kieren does feel incredibly strange against Billy's hand, but the truth is that Billy has been running so hot lately that he's been having a hard time telling whether it's him being too hot or the other person being too cold whenever he has done this lately..

Which also means that he has no clue what Kieren's secret could be. Something that involves.. not getting sick? And freaking out about touch?

Billy can't figure it out, and he slowly pulls his hand away when he realises he can't get a good feel for Kieren's temperature anyway. ]

I was a steward back home. [ He says - his tone calm, reassuring. ] Discretion comes naturally with that.

[ .. says the guy who totally spread the 'did you know the captain is a raging alcoholic' gossip to his boyfriend without a second thought, but.. you know. That doesn't count. ]

[burying]

[ In truth, Kieren doesn't know exactly what being a 'steward' means, and there's a slight frown until Billy clarifies. Discretion, which does give him a look of slight relief about it all. It doesn't completely ease him. Even if Cornelius told him he needed to tell people eventually, it's not exactly something he's thrilled about doing — and the thought of it makes him want to run far away. ]

I'm— [ Christ, he isn't going to say zombie again, since Cornelius didn't have a clue as to what that even was, and Kieren's pretty sure that Billy won't know either. He swallows thickly. ] I'm not a normal person.

[ He cringes at himself, because that sounds so bloody stupid out loud — never mind in his own head. He takes a breath to steady himself, some reflex to ease his nerves. ]

I mean— see, the thing is. [ God, he hates this. His eyes close for a moment. ] When I say 'not normal', I mean I'm... not... totally alive.

I... don't breathe, I don't eat. My heart doesn't beat anymore. I'm... only half alive. [ His lips are a thin line for a moment. ] I died. Four years ago. And— they call it 'Partially Deceased Syndrome', back home.

[ Does it sound like the shittest name ever? His eyebrows raise a little. ]

That's why I don't get sick. I... physically can't.

[notarat]

So..

[ He has been patiently and quietly listening to this entire thing from Kieren until the other reaches the end there, which is when Billy speaks up. Slowly, at first, his voice trailing off on that 'so', considering he's still thinking about all this. It's a lot to wrap his mind around, after all.

And yet, despite how surprising it all is, Billy doesn't look particularly shocked or weirded out by the information he's getting here. Instead he mostly just looks thoughtful, like he's really letting all of this run through his mind for a moment.

(Sure, a few years ago the idea of this would have been ridiculous-- but at this point? He's seen so many odd things that Kieren having a condition like this just feels the same as any other ridiculous thing he's seen here, or even back home with that creature.) ]

If I am understanding this right-- You have a condition that killed you, but at the same time also keeps you alive in some form? [ After all, Kieren can't get sick, he doesn't eat, doesn't breathe.. It's hard to define what 'alive' is, but Billy knows a lot of people would definitely count doing those things as an important part of being alive.

He looks over at Kieren, the look in his eyes somewhere in the middle of curiosity and concern. ]

[burying]

N-no, it... um, the condition didn't kill me. [ He doesn't think he has the stomach to tell Billy how he died. Not when the actual weight of telling Billy what he is already... so much. The man's taking it... surprisngly well, though. But Kieren knows there's been... some weird shit going on, back on the Expedition. Some kind of god-bear. It's weird. Kieren swallows, trying to find a way to explain it. ]

So... so when I died. I mean, it was— normal. I was normal. [ So normal, everything about it all was very normal. Eighteen year olds die all the time. ] By rights, I should have just— stayed dead. Only— something brought me back. Me and other people.

[ Fuck, here we go. Kieren expression crumples a little in apology. He is... so sorry for all of this. ]

There was storm, one night. Happened a few weeks after I died. During it, thousands of people came back from the dead all over the world. We were all brought back partially alive, partially dead. And... that freaked a lot of people out— [ There's a beat before he adds: ] understandably.

The government calls it Partially Deceased Syndrome because... I don't know. Maybe it's supposed to make the world feel better? That we're just... people with a condition. Nobody can properly explain it, really.

[ He exhales shakily. ]

So I'm— I'm just... here. Existing. I'm not really one or the other.

[notarat]

[ To be fair, some parts of this story make more sense to Billy than they likely would to any ordinary person. Like Kieren dying so young, for example. People died young all the time in Billy's experience. The fact that Kieren looks younger than him but already died doesn't even stand out to him because of that, the man not getting anywhere remotely close to guessing the reason for Kieren's death when there are so many more likely ones Billy knows.

So that's one upside. At least he isn't questioning that part. Everything else is.. mostly a lot to take in. It helps a little bit when he thinks of the entire thing like what happened with him here. He should be dead, should have stayed dead since he's pretty sure he did die back there, but something brought him back. And not only him, considering how many dead people from the expedition were now here.

Even though it seems that it brought him back a little bit better than whatever brought Kieren back. No eating, no breathing..

Billy doesn't even realise that his fingers are idly playing with the ring on his hand, twisting it a little as he thinks about all of this. ]

It sounds incredibly strange, but.. I think I understand.

[ More or less. This place has taught him that sometimes you just need to accept things for what they are, even if they're weird as hell. Kieren doesn't seem like the type to lie to him, anyway, let alone with such an incredibly odd elaborate story.

.. even more so when Kieren seems so.. odd about it as he speaks. Billy is just a touch too observant to not notice one particular thing as the other talks. ]

You sound bothered about it though. [ Sorry, Kieren. Billy's eyebrows are drawn together into a small frown. ] I understand that your current condition is not ideal, but.. it is still like having another chance at life that you would not have gotten otherwise, is it not?

[burying]

What d'you mean...? [ He doesn't realise at first, staring at Billy with a quizzical frown for a long moment. How could he know? How could he understand? His gaze lowers slightly in thought and it hits him with a soft inhale: wait. ]

The blood. [ He says softly. ] There... there was blood on the back of your shirt. When you first came here. You.... you said you weren't hurt anymore.

[ His gaze lifts again to meet Billy's. He feels like he's just on the verge of things, like it's on the tip of his tongue. But he can't quite grasp it, can't quite put words to it. He looks for understanding, for Billy to put the words to it. ]

It.. wasn't simple, coming back. [ He shakes his head, uncomfortable. He doesn't want to think about it. But the context is important. Kieren wishes he could look at it all with a more hopeful lens, but there's just... too much. ]

I wasn't... entirely myself. Like, y'know. Up here. [ He taps his temple with a finger. ] Not at first. We... people like me take medication. But before that medication—

[ He swallows thickly. ]

I hurt a lot of people. People died. [ There's a beat. ] I— I came back like this and I did so much wrong and I— I can't let go of that.

[notarat]

.. yes, I also.. 'came back', I suppose.

[ The way he says that so slowly has nothing to do with him refusing to acknowledge as much - Billy knew it was what had happened the moment he woke up here. There is no way he could have survived what had happened back home. Hickey wouldn't have let that happen.

No, the slow speed has more to do with what he's thinking about. He can tell that Kieren is looking for those words with the first part of what he says, even if the other moves on from it right after. But what he also realises from that story, is-- ]

But different from you.

[ Billy never felt changed. Ever since waking up here, he doesn't think he's ever felt like anything other than himself. It's clear from Kieren's description that the part about hurting people was involuntary, and Billy can't say he's felt the desire to hurt anyone outside of his own will here. Whatever happened to Kieren where he comes from-- It's definitely different from him.

He knows that he wouldn't feel regretful though if it had been him in the other's shoes. Why would he blame himself for something he clearly can't help? Sure, it'd be too bad that people died, but it's not like it would have been his fault.

.. he can easily tell though that Kieren thinks about it differently. It's not a huge surprise. Kieren - for better and for worse - is a better person than Billy is. He can acknowledge as much to himself. It makes Kieren a good person to know, but it also means he gets caught in the pesky trap of blaming himself for things he ought to not blame himself for in the slightest, like so.

Plainly telling the other he shouldn't blame himself likely won't work though. Billy uses the fire poker to idly poke at the logs in the fire, giving him an excuse to be quiet as he thinks of what he should say then. ]

Neither of us asked to be brought back. Yet here we are. [ His gaze travels from the fire back over to Kieren. ] There is not much for us to do about that. Nor can we change anything that has already happened in the past. All we can do is choose our future decisions.

[burying]

[ His eyes close for a moment, pained for Billy's sake. Of course, it shouldn't be a surprise, not with that amount of blood on his shirt. Kind of injury like that — probably hit his lungs, the fragile insides that keep them alive. There'd be no surviving that, not in Billy's time.

Still, it hurts. Even if it's different to Kieren, how he came back. Even when he knows it was out of mercy.

He's quiet as he listens. And Billy's right — they didn't ask for this, they can't undo the things that've been done. Kieren would give anything to take it back. All the people he killed— his mind always flicks back to Lisa, the last person he killed. He can still hear her screams, the sound of her skull cracking— he wishes he could take it back. But he can't. And that's hard to reconcile with.

All we can do is choose our future decisions.

Kieren considers it for a moment, his brow pinching. He looks down at his gloved hands. ]

What does that look like, for you? [ He asks it quiet. ] Choosing your future decisions?

[notarat]

[ His gaze instinctively falls to the ring that's now sitting on his finger, that hasn't been buried underneath his shirt on a chain around his neck for a little while now.

.. it's still hard to talk about, but.. Kieren and Hickey are close, right? Maybe he already told Kieren about it. And even if he didn't, Hickey did say it's okay here. That people would understand, rather than be horrified and disgusted by it. It doesn't take away the fact it's still kind of terrifying to talk about, but.. Maybe it's alright with Kieren.

So after inhaling and steeling himself for a moment, he slowly speaks up with: ]

Back home I couldn't be open about my relationship with Cornelius.

[ It's probably a dumb secret in comparison to the big one Kieren just told him about, but.. on the other hand, people finding out about this back home had pretty much just as many consequences as Kieren's own condition, considering the time.. ]

I.. would want to try living here with the things that bring me joy, rather than hiding them because other people would wish me to. [ .. it's the first time he's really said it so openly. It feels.. strange. Vulnerable, too.

Even if Billy doesn't feel like he has much to fear from Kieren, there's a part of him that seems to brace himself all the same, not really daring to look over at him as he speaks. ] That is the decision I would want to make.

[burying]

[ Kieren stares for a moment, processing: his relationship with Cornelius. It only takes a few beats before his expression softens, his head dipping a little as he smiles. He knew Cornelius was gay, but it hadn't really clicked where Billy was concerned and he's mentally kicking himself for not realising it sooner.

Yeah, best mates. Just like how Rick was his best mate, too.

It feels... bittersweet, just for a moment. With everything that happened for them back on the Expedition. But there's more happiness after that moment. He's happy for Billy. Cornelius too. He means that.

Billy's not looking at him when Kieren lifts his head to look back up at him. He gets it. This kind of stuff's not exactly easy. ]

Hey. [ It's offered softly. ] It's okay. I'm— uh, on the same team, for lack of a better word. Sort of.

[ He doesn't just like men. He likes people. ]

But... that sounds like a really good decision to me, Billy.

[notarat]

[ At least those words do get him to look.

With clear surprise in his eyes. Even though there might have been the faint hope that Kieren would understand, rather than judge him, the possibility did not even exist in Billy's mind that the other would understand because he's like this too. It's not like Billy imagines he's the only man ever with his sort of inclinations - even putting Hickey aside, he's not even the only one on the expedition - but it's surprising all the same to learn that Kieren is the same. That he coincidentally ran into yet another one.

.. the surprise slowly softens. There's some relief. Maybe something glad, too. ]

I hope you can reach a good decision too. [ It's said quietly. Billy doesn't do emotions and vulnerability all that well - not out of any sense of ego, but more just the fact that he's never been in a position to be safely vulnerable. It's what happens when you have to tuck everything about yourself far down.

But he's clearly trying here. ]

You should not just have to wallow in what has been. Despite everything that happened.. You deserve happiness too,-- [ A slightly awkward pause, and then-- ] .. Kieren.

[ He's so not good with first names and being informal, but!! Trying!! ]

Let's find the good in our second chances.