singillatim | open | so make mine a pain in the neck

[ Kieren jumps a little at the voice and he whips round, eyes wide for a moment. Y'know, he's really glad he's not one of those folks who broadcast their thoughts everywhere. Because all that'd be coming out of his mind right now is oh for fuck's sake several times over, along with a few different variations of it. ]

Eddie, I— [ ... And he's got nothing, his head dropping as he pulls his hands away from the back of his head with a groan. No one's known where he's been this whole bloody time, including Eddie, of all people.

Now he really feels like shit. Kieren swallows, sheepish and shitty and awkward. He doesn't even know where to start until Eddie tips his head towards the fireplace. That'd probably be a good idea. Even if it's going to be more for Eddie than Kieren. ]

... Yeah, let me get some stuff for it. [ He hovers for a moment before turning, reaching for a small pile close to the fireplace and starts shoving tinder and wood in there. ] Here. You can... do your thing.

[ Sure, maybe Kieren doesn’t physically need the fire, but it’s dark in the cabin and it’s not easy to have a conversation when you can’t see one another’s faces. So Eddie kneels down, flicks his fingers like a lighter, and carefully leans in catch the tiny flame flickering between his fingers to the tinder and wood. He takes a few moments to tend to the flame, just to be certain it’s not going to go out in ten seconds.

It’s a helpful little quirk to have, and he doesn’t have to worry about being caught without means to make a fire, but he’s not totally immune to the effects. When he pulls back, he has to shake and blow on his burning fingers for a moment. ]

So, uh…Where have you been, man?

[ It’s concern, not horribly pointed or accusing. He can already tell Kieren is feeling like shit, and he’s not interested in making him feel worse. ]

Nowhere. [ There's a beat. He watches the fire for a moment. ] Like, literally middle of nowhere.

[ There's supposed to be some humour in that, but his heart's not really in it. He sounds sombre as he says it, and he moves to pick up the chair he'd wrenched over for something to do — taking his time to set it right and tuck it in under the table. ]

Lakeside. I just— I just kept walking 'til I found somewhere out in the woods. [ He inhales, there's a helpless look. ] Just... away. From everything. Everyone.

Huh. Now, how did you manage to find the middle of nowhere of the middle of nowhere?

[ He smiles, but no matter how hard he tries to keep things light and easy, it’s a brittle and clearly forced. Every time someone close to him goes missing, his stomach ties itself into another knot. Even though Kieren is here in front of him, that knot of anxiety and worry hasn’t untied itself just yet.

Thanks to the creature beneath the water, he’s totally sworn off of Lakeside. It’s a shame, because that’s where so many people seem to want to be, but he just can’t do it. His refusal to go back clearly didn’t play a role in not finding Kieren sooner, though. No one found Kieren, because Kieren didnt want to be found. ]

I get it, but…You know you can’t beat yourself up forever, man.

[ He frowns and busies himself with prodding at the fire a little more with the stoker to get it really blazing. ]

I mean, you can, but take it from my personal experience—it really sucks.

Guess I'm just lucky like that.

[ Once more, there's little humour in him. He just sounds tired, more than anything. Guilty. He's done a really shit thing, he knows it. And to Eddie, of all people. Kieren feels a lump in his throat. He doesn't think he can make this right, and it's something that hangs over him. He leans against the dining table, wringing his hands a little. ]

Can't I?

[ But then Eddie answers him. He can. And Kieren's mouth is a tight, wry smile, his head dipping a little. ]

It's just like how it was before. I'd never hurt anyone since I got medicated and then— [ Well, he doesn't need to explain what he did, does he? ] it feels like beating myself up's really the only thing I deserve to do after all that.

And just— it's the only thing I could think of doing to keep you safe from me. [ Leaving, he means. He sighs heavily. ] People acting like it's all fine, that— that— trial or whatever. Like everything's okay. But it's not.

[ Eddie gets it, he really does, and in Kieren’s place, he would have done the same thing. He would have separated himself because how do you just continue as if nothing happened after that? You can’t, not really. You just have to figure out a way to keep going in spite of the guilt. ]

Yeah, about that. I tried to find you a good lawyer but, uh…imagine that, there weren’t any in the area.

[ He assumes, at least, but he punctuates his joke with a grin all the same. Only Eddie Munson could find the energy to joke when he’s clearly exhausted and spread thin. ]

Listen, man. I know this is gonna sound like a total cop-out, but we’re all all kinds of fucked up at this point. People are acting like it’s fine because none of us are acting normal. I’m not trying to say that you should just forget it, but give yourself a little grace, dude.

[ His head lolls back, face cringing. He's trying not to laugh. Christ. Oh, that's just... the worst joke. But it's funny, fucking hell. ]

... You're right. Absolutely sounds like a cop out. [ He smiles for a brief moment, a rare flash of humour. He appreciates it, he really does. But then his face crumples, his eyes growing glossy. He exhales hard and then grits his teeth to bite back a sob. ]

I just— I didn't want to come back because I gave a shit, but I just... also wanted to come back because I gave a shit. But— I don't know how to come back from something like this, mate. [ His head shakes a little. ] In terms of shit things to do, this one's really up there.

[ Hey, it’s a fantastic joke. Just be happy he didn’t reference Night Court or Matlock. ]

Wow, thanks for your undying support, Kieren.

[ He grins, but it fades quickly as Kieren’s expression begins to crumple. He sighs and reaches out to give his shoulder a squeeze. Even if he doesn’t know how to handle this, doesn’t know how to fix it, he can offer a small gesture of comfort. He doesn’t view Kieren any differently than he did before this. ]

Come on, man. Look, I get it. I really do, alright? Yeah, it’s shitty, but at some point you’ve gotta stop beating yourself up about it, because short of finding a DeLorean around these parts—definitely wouldn’t run by the way—you can kind of only move forward, you know?

[ That would have been worse because he wouldn't have even gotten the reference. ]

Not the Back To The Future reference, though.

[ There's another laugh that sounds like a sob. Christ, it's so nerdy. But he appreciates it all the same. Even if Kieren doesn't know if he'll be able to ever stop beating himself up about it all.

He nods shakily. His heart's not in it. But Eddie's trying. Eddie's one of his best mates, and Kieren wishes he were a better friend. His sniffs quietly and then moves — turning that shoulder grip he's offered into a hug.

... Only as much as hugging Kieren isn't... totally normal, it's a lot worse. He's usually room temperature, given his undead status — the only warmth to him is the clothes he wears. But now as he hugs Eddie he's cold. Unfortunately it's not something Kieren's noticed.

... Sorry, Eddie. ]

Hey, hasn’t even been out for a year where I’m from. That’s still a totally fresh reference.

[ And it made Kieren laugh. Laughter isn’t a cure-all for misery, Eddie knows that, but it’s always helpful. He doesn’t expect Kieren will ever really get over it—and he doesn’t think he should, but he still hopes he can grant himself enough grace to move forward, whatever that consists of.

He’s happy to embrace Kieren, to offer what little comfort he can, but his eyebrows knit together as he does. He knows Kieren doesn’t have the body heat that the living do, but he doesn’t remember him being this cold. ]

It’s alright, man.

[ He pats him on the shoulder, but he ultimately has to pull way before he catches a chill. The cold does, unfortunately, still affect Eddie. ]

Sorry, I'm not trying to protect my masculinity or anything. But like...you’re freezing, dude. Beyond the norm.

[ He doesn't mean to look hurt. He actually likes a good hug, they're just not something he does often for... obvious reasons. But he's hurt about it getting cut short — only for it to turn into visible confusion. ]

Wait, what—? I mean, I know I'm— [ Not the warmest. But he's hugged living people before and it hasn't been that bad for them. ] I'm colder than normal?

[ He steps back a little to look down at his gloved hands, turning them over and frowning. He can't really seem to tell, himself. Not with the whole 'not feeling' thing he has going on. He's freezing?

Something faint twitches in his expression. Like he's just grasping something. ]

... I had a really weird dream last month. Another one from that woman in the Aurora static.

Don’t take offense, dude. I’m just saying.

[ Eddie doesn’t mean to hurt him, especially when he’s clearly already so fragile, but it’s just a simple fact. Kieren hasn’t ever been the warmest guy around, but now, he feels as cold as ice, and that’s not the norm. ]

Oh, yeah, I had one of those too. Back when I got the whole— [ He gestures with his hand to indicate flames. ] fire thing. I had another last month as well. I saw my mom in it? Which was pretty fucked up, honestly, but…

[ He frowns at the memory, because his mother died when he was six years old, and while he holds his precious few memories of her close, he seldom sees he in his dreams. Even subconsciously, he seldom revisits that long, solemn span of time in which she was sick and he could do nothing about it because he was just a little kid. ]

No idea what it was supposed to mean just yet, but, uh…I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually. But, hey, do you think you can totally Iceman people now or…?

open | so make mine a pain in the neck

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