singillatim | open | leave the horror here

[Levi was no stranger to bad dreams and insomnia. Tonight was one of those nights--or very early mornings technically--where he knew he wouldn't be getting back to sleep. But he was still tired, so maybe some ~~extremely cold~~ air would help him wake up or feel better or something. However that was supposed to work.
So he grabs his oversized coat and straps his rifle over his back. He didn't need it, he knew that. The wolves haven't been around for awhile and he'd had heard them if they were around. But he took it anyway, because he felt better with it there.]

S-sorry.

[He says, quietly closing the Community Hall door behind him. He squints against the flashlight beam for a moment before looking down.]

I didn't expect anyone to be out.

[ Oh. She's staring wide-eyed for a long moment, holding her breath slightly until she realises that it's just a person and not something far more sinister. A... person also from inside the Community Hall. Kate swallows, shaking her head. She does lower the flashlight, though — a little guilt in her expression. ]

Sorry. [ She didn't expect anyone else to be up. ] Did... did I wake you up? I was trying to be real quiet, but—

[ Oh... crap. ]

No...I woke up on my own. I didn't even know anyone was out here.

[She sounds distressed, though. He bites his lip.]

I-I can go. If you'd rather be alone, or, um...something.

[ Well, at least she didn't wake him up. That's something at least. She inhales and shakes her head. ]

No, um. It's okay. You have every right to be out here too. [ Or... something like that. What she means is that he doesn't have to go back inside just because of her. ] I just— I just needed some air. I couldn't stay inside.

...if you're sure.

[That him being here wasn't a bother.]

I know what you mean...a-about not staying inside. I think.

[He gnaws on his lip for a moment before sitting down. Not too close to her, but not far enough away to be antisocial.]

I don't sleep very well.

[ There's a brief nod. It's okay. It's not like she has the monopoly of 'the outside'. She exhales softly, she certainly understands that one only too well. Even before these nightmares, sleep doesn't come easily. ]

I don't actually remember the last time I slept well. [ Weeks? Months? Maybe not long since she started Blackwell. As much as she loves school, it's— well— ] ... Is it this place? Or was it before here, too?

Oh. I'm sorry.

[Just because all the dreams he ever had were nightmares didn't mean he doesn't feel sorry when others have them.]

No...its just always like that for me. This place probably brings trouble like that to a lot of people...I imagine.

[Those ghosts and the wolves, not to mention just being here at all, could easily cause terrors.]

That sucks. [ It's quietly said and she exhales a soft sigh. ]

I guess I'm kind of used to it now. Or maybe, I don't know. [ She's certainly hurting for the lack of good sleep these days. She's never felt so tired. It's all her body wants, but half the time it never comes. ] You're probably right, there's plenty of stuff to keep people from sleeping. It's hardly a ski-resort.

It's weird, though. I've not really had many dreams about this place. I guess there's still time, right?

[He doubts he'll every get used to the nightmares, at least not in a way that they don't bother him anymore. But he won't say that. Other people's nightmares weren't the same as his. They don't have them every night. He thinks.]

Dreams aren't always...I mean, they don't always make sense. Sometimes they're more about a feeling or a concept than an event. Or they mix a lot of things together.

[His sure loved to do that.]

So they might be about here but also not. Uh...o-or something. I don't know. I try not to think of them very much.

Well I guess that makes sense. I can definitely get a sense of the concept of helplessness, which... it sucks. [ Aren't they all pretty helpless, here? ]

I don't think anyone really want to think about nightmares a whole lot. But— [ She really doesn't want to think about hers, but she also... wants them to stop, and she doesn't really know how to go about that without thinking about it. ]

I don't know, it's just... [ She exhales, deflating a bit with it all. ] Something so specific. It feels like it must come from somewhere, but... I don't really know what, and I just want it to not happen again.

[He's silent for a few moments, thinking.]

I know where all my nightmares come from. Its often an event or events. B-but knowing that doesn't really help much.

[Its too bad his world was too young for therapy to be a thing.]

I don't know a way to make them stop. Sorry.

[ There's a beat, her expression shifting into a quiet horror. ]

... They're about things that happened to you—?

[ Oh, no. ]

It's okay. [ She inhales slowly and lets out a little sigh. ] I feel like no one knows how. Although maybe a therapist might know, but I don't think any one of us are one of those here.

[ She doesn't think so, anyway. ]

[He fidgets a bit.]

W-well, I've been to war so...I dream about it a lot.

[Therapist? He's not sure he's familiar with that word. Mental health hadn't gotten much of a focus in his world.]

What's a therapist?

Wait, what—? [ She stares at him with wide eyes, a little horrified. Sure, he looks around her own age, but maybe kind of younger. He's been to war? ] But you... you don't look old enough.

[ Maybe enough to go through basic training, she might guess? But— to actually... be there? Fighting? ]

A therapist is a kind of health-care professional. They help with, like, emotional and mental problems.

...I wasn't.

[He feels a little bad for the alarm he's caused her. Maybe he should have just mentioned the orphanage somehow. But some of the things there weren't any better...]

There are doctors for minds? How does that work?

[ Her visible horror is only amplified at that. ]

But that's illegal—! [ They can't do that, right? You have to be of age to join the military! ] Children aren't supposed to be soldiers! They're... they're supposed to be children.

[ She doesn't get it. But it says plenty about what she knows about the world. ]

Well— [ She frowns a little in thought. ] You can talk to them, mostly. They help you sort out the things in your head, teach you how to cope with things. Or prescribe you medication. Things like that.

[Its illegal where she's from? He'd thank the gods for that if he didn't hate them. Its a huge relief to hear that the practice of conscripting children wasn't normal in other places. Less stolen childhoods. Its one of the best things he could have asked for.]

Its not where I came from. B-but the war is over, so...maybe someone will make it illegal there too? That would be nice. None of those kids deserved what they got, they should have...

[He just trails off, then shakes his head. She clearly knows. He takes the topic shift to something less horrific.]

Doctors you talk to?

[Like that Clayton guy? But Levi hasn't seen him for awhile.]

I don't know. It might be better to try not to remember those things.

[It never works for him, but his culture isn't big on sharing feelings. But, medication? He's had medication that's helped with his...issues. It was given to him for pain, but it'd made him feel better. He'd thought about looking for it after he left the army, but his need to forget hadn't been that bad. ~~It was a good thing no one had just offered it.~~]

Medication can help, though. But its a temporary thing. Or it has been.

They should and I hope they do. No one's supposed to be in the military when they're not even eighteen yet. [ Like that's... so wrong to her. ]

Yeah. They train in it, just like a surgeon trains to do surgery? [ She doesn't even know if there's anyone who is trained on that kind of stuff, though. They seem to have a shortage of doctors in general here. She knows there's Mr Goodsir, but she doesn't know about anyone else. ]

They say it's better to talk about stuff than to press it down. That's... how therapy works, I think. [ She's never done it, herself. ] And... I think medication's better now. I think for some people it's the only thing that helps and they're on it all the time.

That would be nice.

[He doesn't sound very hopeful about it, but it would really be nice. Maybe if he ever returned he could fight for that. Just showing people how he turned out might do a lot on its own.]

They train in...talking?

[He's not even sure how that would work. Or if he'd ever want to talk about things, no matter how good someone was at talking. Other people didn't need to deal with his problems. He was good at suffering in silence.]

I don't really know much about medications of any sort. I've just taken what the medics gave us for pain or infections.

I think there's more to it than that, but yeah. Basically. They help you work through things?

[ She's merely going by what little she knows about therapy. Usually her own troubles she'd speak to a pastor, which would be her dad. He'd offer her some pretty good counsel on things, even if she couldn't tell him about what happened to her at the Vortex Club. ]

Uh, no this kind of medication is different. It's like— [ How does she word this. ] It's medication specifically for our brains. Like it helps with the chemicals and stuff. Brains are super complex.

Pain medication's good for when we're hurt, or when we're physically sick. But it's not the same thing as this kind of medication.

It is? But the pain medication helped. A lot sometimes.

[He didn't know brain medication was a thing. Was this some weird future thing? Ugh, there were too many of those. He didn't like them.]

Mm, I... don't think it's supposed to be used like that. I guess it helps, but pain medication shouldn't be used like that anymore. [ It doesn't... really help anything, using them for things other than what they're supposed to be used for. ]

Things like opiates are super addictive, it's a real problem, from what I've heard.

[Super addictive? That made sense...he'd always crave morphine after the doctors said he didn't need it anymore. He'd even stolen it a few times.]

...that makes sense. It's not like they'd ever care about our mental states.

I don't think that's totally true. [ She's... possibly giving them the benefit of the doubt. But doctors do care. They swear an oath and everything. Do no harm. Of course they must care. ]

Brains are complicated. Even now, doctors don't really know how they totally work. I think it's less about not caring and more about not really knowing what else to do.

If they gave you pain meds, maybe they just hoped it'd help the pain in your mind.

Maybe...

[Maybe the medics cared, though many he'd seen had become jaded and he couldn't blame them. He was pretty jaded himself. The higher ups clearly hadn't...but he won't mention that. He's already shaken her up enough just by mentioning he was in the army, he doesn't need to burden her with how terrible it had been.]

I guess that could be it. Or all they had. I guess when you feel like that its easy to forget everything else.

Edited (words are hard) 2023-12-13 22:32 (UTC)

open | leave the horror here

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cw: kids being sent to war

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sorry this is late, feel free to drop if you'd rather start something new!

i will backtag into infinity <3

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wanna move to wrapping this one?

works for me

awesome!

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