singillatim | 🎵whistle while you work🎶(closed)

"Police officer." It's getting easier to say it, as the days he'd spent worrying so much about Akhtar finding out move further and further away and the years before, of speaking to important people at important parties, slide back into their place. Not that anyone here could do a thing to help him back home, he doesn't need to speak to anyone here in quite the way he'd spoken to some influential officer's family and friends and advisors, but there's no harm in sharing it, either. And with a few of the crown's officers already around like this, slipping back into that part of himself almost feels natural.

That part of himself without the duties, anyway. In practice he's living more like he lived during those months with Akhtar than like he did in the barracks, even if the way that he feels here couldn't be more different.

At least here he doesn't have to take any damned orders. Until he goes back.

"Imperial Police, stationed in Delhi before I... came here." Came is doing a bit of work there, but until they've uncovered the mysteries of this place it will have to. "Much more sun there than here."

His smile is wan — he hadn't ever thought about it when he'd been there, hadn't expected he could ever miss the sun this much — but there's nothing to do but move past it. "I expect you travelled, though? Being in the navy?"

Even though Billy is quiet the entire time Raju speaks, not interrupting the other, there's something about the way he looks at the other that shows he's listening rather attentively all the same. Like he's either interested, or just making sure to commit these details to memory, just in case.

(Or maybe it's habit sticking to him at this point. Stewards were there to listen, not to speak, after all.)

".. yes," he finally says once Raju arrives at that question. "The last voyage I was on was to the Arctic, so.. more closely resembling this place than Delhi."

Though he had been to voyages that headed more in the latter direction than the Arctic, it feels harder to recall those nowadays. It's all a little more foggy.

"It must be difficult for you to adjust to." Going from Delhi to this. "I'm not fond of it either. This sort of cold-- It seeps into your bones. It makes it feel like it will be part of you forever."

Raju nods slowly, gaze going distant, taking a slow breath. The needle is still for a moment in his hand. "That's... a good way to describe it. Waking here, Delhi the last thing I remembered— if someone had told me that this was some kind of hell and we were all being punished, I might have believed them."

Which is what Rorschach had told him, he remembers. Raju had written the idea down in the same journal the man had given him. Important to be thorough, even when what you hear is ridiculous. But Rorschach had told him so later, inside, near a fire, after Raju knew that he was somewhere. As desperate as he'd been by then to figure out the how, the what by that time had been settled already.

"But no," he says with an amused breath, half-laughing. "It's only Canada. Even the warmest days here... I don't know how anyone lives in this country on purpose. How did you deal with it, on your voyage? It was a British ship, so they must have packed plenty of layers."

The way Raju smiles makes that last a little joke. It had taken some doing, adjusting to the uniform. And you can always tell, looking at the English, whether they're new; they insist on their fine English clothes that they shipped from home, and sweat, and faint sometimes, and then wake up tightening their tie and go on insisting on it. At least it isn't choice, the way Raju's own clothes from home don't really suit this place at all.

Well, now that's a stereotype Billy sure won't take offense to. Because it's just true. If anything, the higher in rank, the more clothes you were wearing.. Which he would know, given how much clothes he has been mending and washing on that journey. It's a little ridiculous, considering just how much warmer the higherups were allowed to stay compared to those at the bottom.

So he nods, thinking for a moment, and then adding: "This might sound ridiculous."

It's a slow start. Billy isn't really used to.. this. Just having casual chats with people. Even though he's been here for a little while now, there's no way old habits change so quickly, especially with how many reasons he has to be guarded around others.

But he's already trying more than he would with most people. Having points in common helps, even across cultures.

"But after a while.. you almost get used to it. You forget what it's like to be warm." It's not exactly the most fun thing to say, but still.. it's true. Years of being out in the Arctic change you. Change the kind of decisions you'd make.

".. though hopefully that won't be the case for you here, Mr. Raju. The clothes left behind by the people who were here before us are a lot warmer than anything I was wearing back home. It is also much easier to start a fire here. Warmth is closer by us."

Granted, still not nowhere as close as it must have been back home for the other, in Delhi.. But things could be worse. If there's anything Billy has learned from his voyage back home, it's that fact.

"If we are to survive here, we have to remember things like that." Look on the positive side, Billy would say if he was any more of a sappy person. Or any more of a person who can easily look on the positive side to begin with.

Raju listens to him solemnly, you forget what it's like to be warm putting something heavy into his expression. It isn't a pleasant thought, but Raju doesn't argue with it. Pleasant isn't the same as real, and reality is what he has to deal with. If what it felt like to be home looking up at the clear sky, feeling the heat of the sun on his skin, is one more thing he has to forget in order to go on, then...

William's hopeful addendum cuts in before Raju's mind can go too far in that direction. Raju huffs a quiet, amused noise at himself, at the way his own reaction to the words had been so different from William's, looking down with a smile that's still a little heavy with the previous path of his thoughts.

"You're right," he says, looking over at the fireplace nearby. "There are places more unforgiving than this, or so I've been told. And a good coat should help, if we can figure out how to make them. I don't know if any of the needles I've got are strong enough to work with leather, but we'll have to figure something out. You said there was plenty of material to work with in town, though; I suppose it hasn't been, ah, tanned yet. Learning that will be something else again. Maybe there's a book somewhere..."

Raju sighs, frowning, gaze distant. There's so much that he needs to know, and so much he doesn't. One step at a time, always, and then he'll get where it is he's going, but still. He isn't used to it, being so unprepared.

"We have much to figure out."

He can easily agree on that. It's not like it's a small task ahead of them. But while there's something about the other's words that sounds-- perhaps not exactly worried, Billy thinks, but at least dreading said task ahead, Billy keeps his own tone calm. Practical.

After all-- "But we also have time to do so. And while I'm not entirely sure what it is like for you, I certainly feel more productive using my time on that now than on ensuring my nails are clean enough to pass the arbitrary inspection of superiors." Sure, it's not like survival is exactly a fun business, but there is something about it that is at least more alluring to Billy at this point than tending to the whims of men whose rank he will never reach anyway. Especially when they often make terrible decisions in his experience. Sometimes you just need little thoughts like that to get you through the day, especially when you keep ending up in icy hellscapes. "At least every decision we make here is our own."

The man pauses, glancing at the blanket for a moment, and then adds:

".. as for our more practical matter, I imagine that perhaps that strange man running the library here may have a book on the topic, if we are lucky."

The joke turns the worried discomfort on Raju's face into a smile. There's something about keeping himself clean and neat in every particular from hair to nails to buttons to shoes, something satisfying, and Raju's long learned how to pass those sorts of inspections easily, but the priorities of stupid, arrogant men who've done half as much to earn twice the rank are, apparently, universal, no matter where a man serves or where he came from to get there, and the conclusion to the thought gets a softening of Raju's amusement, and a nod. The whims of stupid men are far away, and the duties are, too. The need to go back eats all the time at the inside of him, but while he still can't, there are... benefits. Something to enjoy while he can.

"The library?" Raju's expression lights up then, eager, then goes distant as he runs through the layout of the town in his mind. There isn't a library, not formally, so— "He must have set it up himself. There's no telling what sorts of books you'd find in this place. We'll have to take a look."

His smile is bright. Odd, how easy the word library makes it to feel almost excited instead about everything Raju wasn't prepared enough to know. "We'll need to learn about tanning, and... hunting? I can shoot but we've no bow or arrows, and I've never tracked an animal before."

He's definitely noting the other's interest in the library. Which is a good thing, as far as Billy is concerned-- because he really doesn't want to head over there by himself. A whole lot of things about Rorschach freak him out, even beyond just the mask, and it's truly hard to find a moment to go to the library where he isn't right there as well. At least he'll feel a whole lot less antsy about it with Raju there too. He seems like a good man so far. Too good, perhaps.

"At least there seems to be a little more knowledge to be gained around these parts about hunting." He isn't so sure about tanning, especially since he hasn't seen or heard of anyone doing that here-- but hunting? Plenty of people here hunt. Even Hickey does, if not always incredibly succesfully - but it's what puts food on his and Billy's table.

The man pauses for a moment, casting a meaningful glance down at his own arms.

"I'm not so certain I would be much good at it though."

You know. Witness Billy's thin stick arms. In fact, the man's entire build looks like a stickbug - lanky and thin, even more so after the illness back home. An illness that still has left its traces on Billy's body now, with his sickly white skin and the dark circles around his eyes.

"Not that I'm not willing to try, but I know where my strengths lie." And it certainly isn't running after animals in the forest.. Raju, he'd probably just collapse pathetically. No one should have to suffer witnessing a display that embarrassing. "It would most likely be easier with traps."

Less running involved and all.

"Mm." Raju follows the direction of William's look at himself and then looks over the rest of him, assessing. "Sewing needs precision, steady hands and fair eyesight. That would be enough to start you on some kind of shooting. Maybe a slingshot first. The muscle can be built, it only takes work. But you're right, we should look into as many different methods as we can. Or talk to whoever it is that's already hunting, I'm sure anyone would be willing to work with us in exchange for a coat. There's no reason to do every part of it ourselves if we don't have to. Making the leather really is the part that worries me, I never realised I'd need to know something like that."

Raju sounds a little frustrated with himself at that last part, as if he should have known that he'd be stranded in awful, frozen Canada with no other reliable way to keep warm and studied leatherworking too, and practised it until he could do it easily. Maybe he should have. It certainly would have helped.

"But there's nothing for it now. Do you know where that library is? The sooner we find a book that will help, the sooner we can start figuring out the details."

"I do."

Even though he's relatively new, Billy isn't a steward for nothing. He knows where to keep an eye out, where to keep an ear out - how to gain the most information in any given situation, without necessarily having to ask for it in the first place.

"If you want, we could go there right now?" People don't seem too prone to stealing things here, so it probably can't hurt for Raju to leave his blanket for a bit, he figures. It's obvious enough that it's some sewing project in the works, anyway. That someone was clearly working on it. "You see, I.."

His voice trails off for a moment, thinking about how much to admit to here to a man he's only meeting for the first time, but he does decide to give away at least a little bit here. It'll probably become obvious real quick if they run into Rorschach, anyway.

".. the person who gathers material for the library is rather eccentric, and I have a feeling he isn't too fond of me." Quickly followed up with: "Or people in general, perhaps."

Mostly because Billy figures that is Rorschach's problem, rather than anything personal with Billy, and he sure doesn't want to make it sound like the uneasiness he feels around Rorschach is his own fault!

"So I'd feel slightly more at ease going there alongside someone else." Rather than alone. Billy would panic if left alone in a room with Rorschach of all people, Raju..

"I can keep his attention away from you." Raju smiles — it's a use he's put himself to before, taking attention from someone who doesn't want it, and something that comes easily, though the kind of crowd he's used to isn't anything like anyone that he's met here — and then looks down at the needle in his hand, considering. He doesn't have anything to wear outside but this, but he isn't done with the thread yet. He sticks the needle in the blanket, hoping it'll stay, wrapping and tucking the whole thing around himself. This place is cold enough that he usually doesn't take off his shoes inside, and no one has ever minded; he's ready to head out already.

"Tell me about him," Raju says, hands still moving. He's done this enough times, he doesn't have to pay much attention to make sure the blanket is secure around him. "What is it you're worried about? Bad temper?"

Billy is quiet for a moment after that initial statement. It's not even because he's giving Raju the time to focus on bundling himself up again, or because he's waiting for the rest of what the other says. Instead he seems almost.. a little stunned for a moment, quiet. His eyes are just a little wider than they had been so far in their conversation, that hint of surprise sneaking into the way he looks at Raju.

He's simply unused to anyone offering to do something for him so readily, even with a smile and all.

By the time Raju speaks again, Billy manages to put himself over it, but something about the way he mumbles, "Thank you," sounds very genuine all the same. Maybe still a little caught off guard, making something about him seem a touch shy.

"And the problem is-- something like that, yes." He seems perfectly content to wait for Raju to finish his business with the blanket, standing there as he explains. "He threatened me when I first woke up in this place. If I hadn't done my best to diffuse the situation, I'm fairly sure he would have beaten me and left me for dead out there in the wilds, if not worse. He seems perfectly fine with behaving impolitely towards other people, but if those people then do the same to him, his temper plays up."

It's been a while since anyone stood up for this man, that's obvious in the way he responds to a statement Raju hadn't put much thought into making. Or maybe it only doesn't happen often. Or maybe only not from strangers, which Raju is to him, after all.

William goes on, noting it isn't just a bad temper he's worried about but a dangerous one, and Raju's attention sharpens. It makes dealing with whoever this is less a worry for William and more of a risk; that's good to know. Raju's never met anyone he wasn't confident that he could fight off, particularly with the weapons in this place being as limited as they are, while William seems the opposite. That makes Raju an even better choice for keeping the attention of a temperamental man. Raju finishes arming himself as well as he can against the cold and starts walking toward the door as he speaks.

"Reminds me of some of the men I've served under," he offers with a quick smile. Between William's shy, hesitant manner and that wry note about arbitrary inspections, Raju is confident William will understand exactly what he means. Navy and army and the crown's police forces might have their differences, but some things are going to remain the same. "What is it you said that made him angry? With men like this it helps to know where their soft spots are."

Difficult, though, to imagine the man next to him being impolite to anyone. But waking up here that way might lock in a habit of shy subordination, wouldn't it, for someone who's already inclined that way.

Edited (clarity) 2024-03-09 14:59 (UTC)

It seems like Raju is hitting the right notes - or perhaps just reading the other man well enough, since Billy definitely gives him a slight smile in the return when the other makes that first statement. Sure, the smile is definitely still small and shy, but it seems genuine enough. Like he can truly recognize that sentiment. Billy is withdrawn enough that he usually knew all the ways to stay out of trouble, but he certainly has seen temper aimed at others before from some of the men he's served under.

And considering he isn't very used to gossiping with coworkers - technically Raju could count as one, though very distantly related - he's finding right now that it actually feels kind of nice.

.. even if the Rorschach matter is still on the table. Still, with Raju seeming so kind about this entire thing, it's definitely soothing Billy's own nerves about coming face to face with that man again. He's moving right along without hesitation, leading Raju in the direction of the library.

"Matters of his mask might be best avoided," he says. Of course worded in the most indirect way possible, because Billy is still definitely English. It's in the little things. "He did not seem particularly kind throughout any of that particular encounter, but it seemed that me talking about how odd his mask is was what truly set him off."

Even though it's odd. It's so objectively odd, Raju!

Raju’s ducking his head at first, tugging at the blanket as he steps outside to try and cover a little of his face, but as William goes on Raju looks up in surprise, shoving his hands absently into the blanket’s folds.

“Oh. Rorschach.” Swiss name, a mask that moves, and a manner that’s… quiet. They’d only spoken the once but some of the people here are more obviously memorable, and he hasn’t seen anyone else in a mask in this town since he arrived here. “He didn’t seem that temperamental when we spoke, but I didn’t ask about that mask either. Strange; you don’t wear something like that expecting it to help you look unremarkable, do you? What did you say to him? Did he threaten you right away?”

"He was.." Billy starts, but then seems to struggle with the right wording for a moment. It's partially wanting to make sure to represent the situation adequately - because Billy is well aware how easily something like that can paint you in a bad light, and he was definitely the victim in that situation!! - and partially still the after effects of the lead poisoning and the scurvy. Though the latter has lifted by now, it's still left its traces within the man. ".. strange from the beginning, I suppose. Not quite as temperamental at first, but from the very start he spoke of strange things. He acted as if I had found myself in hell, and he was a devil inhabiting it."

Does it also sound strange to Billy now he's hearing it being said out loud by himself?

Yes. But he's pretty sure that actually happened, rather than being some cold or illness induced hallucination.

"I did not know what to make of it."

He goes quiet for a moment, making their footsteps against the snow, now they're outside, the only thing audible for that moment.

"Especially since I-- I died before I woke up here." It's a vulnerable thing to share, hence Billy's hesitation. But so far Raju has been relatively pleasant and helpful, even weirdly relatable in some ways.

So even though it still feels hard to admit to, he does so anyway.

The answer is vague, as explanations go, and he doesn't know William well enough to know if that's usual. It's true of plenty of people, specifics being the exception and not the rule. And if they do meet Rorschach in a bad temper, Raju's always been good at handling things on his feet. Raju is reminding himself of that and that this doesn't matter enough to press, especially with someone as shy as William seems already, when William says the rest.

Raju's eyes are wide. The blanket around him pulls a little as his hands inside it tighten. He looks down again at the ground, at his feet moving, without really seeing it. He remembers not being able to lift his arms, or move at all. Forcing his eyelids to stay open to catch what might be his last look at his friend's face and seeing it behind Akhtar, those lights moving over the sky. And then waking up here, in the snow. He swallows.

"Do you remember the... end?" he manages in a tight, quiet voice aimed down at the snow in front of his shoes. "Dying for... good? However you got here, you might have healed."

If it wasn't for the fact that it's pretty hard for him to think back on any of this, he might have been able to read a little bit more in the sudden way the volume of Raju's voice goes down like that - but as things are, he just figures it's because of the topic as a whole. Who likes talking about death, right? Billy himself sure doesn't. It's been way more convenient to ignore the entire thing so far, especially with him being alive once more here, but it felt like the best way to clarify himself.

The question the other man asks is a little surprising though. Mostly because he hadn't considered it yet himself, and it leaves him quiet as he thinks about it while they slowly move.

"I was.. out of it," he slowly says.

Unfortunately contemplating the answer does involve thinking back on his last moments. What does he remember? The pain, mostly. Goodsir's face right in front of his own. And-- that arm around him, telling him everything about who had been behind him with the knife.

"I had been suffering from scurvy for a long time by then, so my mind was no longer clear. I suppose it means I cannot give a definite answer to that, but.. I do remember everything growing.. heavy. And dark. As if I was slowly fading, until there was just nothingness."

His own voice, though naturally soft, has grown more quiet too.

"I imagine that was the end. It felt like it."

Edited 2024-03-19 22:36 (UTC)

“It doesn’t have to be.” Raju’s voice is firm now, relieved. If William doesn’t remember, not for sure, like Raju doesn’t remember for sure, then that’s the answer. It has to be.

“Look.” He lifts his arm and pulls the blanket and sleeve back from it, pointing with quick, forceful movements at his forearm, leaning toward William as he talks, his voice starting to come out quicker, too. “There should be a snakebite here. Just here. But it’s completely healed, not even a scar. If whatever came between my… leaving and arriving here can heal me this way, maybe there’s been enough time between for you to have healed, too. We just don’t remember. I don’t know why someone would be taking people so close to death and moving them to Canada with no memory of any of it, but it makes more sense than being dead, doesn’t it?”

... oh no.

Billy is rapidly realising something here. Or maybe it's just his opinion, since he can't be sure of this just as much as Raju himself can't be sure of it, but he's pretty sure the other also died and is in denial about it.

Not that he doesn't understand the urge. Billy, too, wanted to live. Desperately so. It feels like a small miracle that he is somehow alive again here, but he's also fully convinced that he died somewhere in between back on the expedition and this place. There is absolutely no way he could have survived that. Surviving a snake bite - maybe that's possible, but surviving a knife in the back, straight into his organs, when he was already on his way out due to the illness? It feels impossible.

He wonders if Raju realises that too. If he's desperately trying to convince himself of the opposite because of that. At least Billy knows better than to call the other out for it. After all, if it's Raju's coping mechanism, then who would Billy be to take that from him? He's got so much experience with keeping his opinions to himself at this point, anyway.

"I suppose it does," he says, a small nod of his head. It isn't exactly enthusiastic agreement, but with how withdrawn Billy seems in everything and the specific topic being so serious, it likely doesn't stand out a whole lot. ".. though I am sorry to hear about your snakebite. That must have been a terrible experience."

Something that's just factually true, but.. you know, also a sliiiight diversion in the topic from having to agree with what might be Raju's desperate delusion.

"It..." Raju's eyes are wide, expression half-frozen in the stubborn set that it'd been in. His gaze flickers down, away, then up again. He only realises he'd been expecting a fight when he, fairly abruptly, hadn't gotten one. Some kind of fight, anyway. Convincing him. I'm sorry about your snakebite feels so, so...

So normal, is what it feels. Raju's starting to feel a bit, now, like he's just gone on some kind of wild screed about the weather; he may as well have, for the level of importance William seems to ascribe to being convinced of it.

Raju straightens, leaning away again, watching himself tug his sleeve back down and the blanket over it for an excuse to look away. There really is no reason to be so... so passionate about it if it's true, is there? Of course there isn't.

"It could have been worse," he mutters. "I'm here, after all. You, ah— you thought you were in Hell, though? When you got here?"

It isn't exactly what William had said, but saying it helps Raju find some distance from a moment ago.

"You aren't the first person to tell me that." He tugs on his fingers, hurting with the cold already, then reaches inside the pocket he's sewn into the blanket and takes his mittens out, busying himself with putting them on. "The first person was Rorschach, incidentally. Seems to be a common belief here."

"I.. did not necessarily think so myself," he answers, though slowly, like he's thinking about it all as he says it.

After all, his thoughts had been a mess back then. What was he supposed to think, waking up in a place that still was so cold that it felt like it was seeping into his bones, lying there in the snow that was completely soaked in his own blood? All Billy remembers is a lot of his initial thoughts having turned back to the moment before it, the betrayal of it all only hitting him then. He mostly remembers thinking about Hickey, but..

.. well, there's no way he's going to share that here. Even if his initial impression of Raju has been relatively good, a lot of those thoughts had been complicated and messy. Billy isn't good at sharing his feelings in general, and when said feelings are considered sodomy, he knows better than to share it with anyone, instead shoving it all right back down.

"It was that same man who told me that as well." Apparently it's just how Rorschach is greeting all the new people here. Truly cheery, though unsurprising when Billy considers the way Rorschach comes across in general. "Just like you are saying though, none of this feels like the afterlife to me."

He will give Raju that. Even if Billy fully believes that they both must have died, they're somehow alive here.

Billy thinks about Raju's emotional near-outburst a moment ago. It causes a slight pause, but then he says: "We are alive here. We breathe. We eat. Our hearts beat."

He isn't too sure why he's saying it, really. It's not like him to reassure other people.

Maybe it's because he just really believes in these words, Billy tells himself.

(Maybe it's that he actually does want to reassure the other man a little, in return for the kindness Raju has shown him so far.)

Edited 2024-03-26 22:52 (UTC)

Raju watches him while he says it, takes a slow, bracing breath after he finishes, smiles in a tight, polite sort of way. If William is trying to reassure him like this, he was going a little too far. Damn.

Well. It's important, isn't it? It's an important question to know whether you have the answer. Regardless, though: Raju nods briskly, smile relaxing, as if William isn't saying anything he doesn't already know. "And need to sleep. And if it were hell, the food would be worse."

He looks down at his hands as he walks, still tugging at the edges of the mittens with a little more attention than he needs to pay to the way that they fit over his hands. "But I didn't mean to pull you off track. You were telling me about your first encounter with Rorschach, weren't you? You said you didn't really believe that he was right about where you were, even then?"

There's a slight nod on his end.

"It's.. difficult, isn't it?" It's like he had to decide on the word for a moment there. "While we are here, it feels impossible to determine the exact nature of this place. But even if we don't know for sure, it has never felt like an afterlife to me."

Partially because Billy has been iffy on ever fully believing in that idea, despite it being the norm where he comes from. Religion suddenly doesn't seem so attractive anymore when it's condemning you for what you are. For something you can't change. But the last thing he wants to do is get into a potential religious discussion with someone who seems pleasant enough so far, so he shoves it under the rug for now.

"So I told him that he seemed more like a man to me than a demon from hell, despite him wearing that mask. Me then implying it was strange for a person to wear that sort of mask was what got him to threaten me."

It's never felt like one to Raju, either. But then there's the creeping doubt— how would he know? It certainly doesn't look the way that he'd been told time after death would but somewhere in him, unconsciously, he'd always assumed most of it was mostly metaphors anyway. He hadn't really thought about that until he'd been faced with— with the idea of the reality of it. And he really doesn't feel dead.

And aside from feeling, he can't be. He still has too much to do. He's the only one who can do it, and he isn't finished yet.

This has to be something else.

It doesn't matter. William doesn't need convincing of it anyway, and has asked for Raju's help with other things. "It is strange though, isn't it? Even the mask itself is strange, with those... things that move. I wanted to ask him how it worked; maybe it's a good thing I was distracted. What did he threaten you with?"

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🎵whistle while you work🎶(closed)

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cw: descriptions of death

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