singillatim | open/closed — is it really living if i'm just surviving?

[ Balancing the need to be near James with her need for independence and alone time has been... challenging, to put it mildly. She's been through enough therapy by now to recognize the signs of PTSD at work, and she's been stubbornly struggling through it each day since her arrival. Losing the people she's cared for time and again has left deep emotional scars, but she refuses to let that pain define her.

So, in an attempt to retain that sense of self, she's pushed herself to have as normal a routine as she carve out in this place. Of course, it's meant facing an entirely new type of trauma, but what's one more scar on her already battered psyche?

The smile she gives him is as warm as the soup, and might as well be an open window to her soul. This is who she really is — if only she felt like she could share this side with the others here. (She is trying, but it's so much easier said than done.) ]

I'm glad to see your cooking skills extend beyond the toilet. [ She's teasing him, a true sign of La'an Noonien-Singh's affection for someone. ] What other hidden talents do you have?

[ At this point, any sense of normalcy seems like a rarity. A roof over his head, something to eat and a warm fire is probably as close as it gets, and it's scary to think that it could vanish at any moment. Or it would be, if Jim gave it real thought. He keeps busy instead, because it's easier; easier than to think how they're all so alone here, how he's never going to see his crew again, how he can't really fix what's happening here.

La'an's well-being is just another thing for him to pour his attention onto. He wouldn't wish for her to be stuck here, instead of her own world, but— well, it definitely beats being dead. ]

It helps when I have a working stove. [ A rudimentary stove, but it works. Probably one of the first things he learned how to use here. ] Well, you already know I'm a chess genius, and you've seen me use the Vulcan nerve pinch. At this point I feel like there's not much left.

[ She worries about him. It's why she's trying so hard not to let him see the cracks that keep forming as this place presses down on her. He's dealing with so much, even if he doesn't let it show either, and she knows it isn't healthy for either of them, but if this is what it takes to survive here...

No, that's not really a good excuse, either. They need to talk, really talk, but it's hard not to dread it when things are going so well for them right now. Sure, they're each trapped away from people they care about and worlds that make sense, but together again. ]

I'm sure there's something that will come out eventually.

[ Neither of them can really afford to fall apart, right now. Jim doesn't see a better time in the foreseeable future either, to be fair, but he does know he needs to focus his energy on what's important. And what's important right now is survival. Not just hers, or his, but everyone's.

So, that's something for him to focus his energy on. The way he sees it, it's a good thing. ]

Well, I am full of surprises. [ He shoots her an amused smile, settling comfortably before risking a taste of the soup. Silence stretches for a little while, his eyes darting to her in spite of himself. He's not sure when he'll stop worrying she might disappear from one moment to the next. ]

I've been planning on finding a place of my own to stay. Not that staying here has been an issue, Daisy's been good company and she really helped me when she took me in, but... [ He shrugs, pressing his lips in while watching her. ] Anyway, I— don't know if you had any plans, but I'd prefer it if we lived together.

[ He is, indeed, full of surprises. She has known two versions of James Tiberius Kirk and it has been true of both of them. Surprises, bravery, compassion. They're different, just as she'd told Jim, but they are also so very much alike.

That silence between them is comfortable, the warm soup and crackling fire helping her pretend that everything here is peaceful and calm. In these quiet moments, there isn't a monster waiting out in the cold, and there is no threat of them losing each other again. Except that threat hangs over their heads every minute of every day, and she finds herself constantly watching him with that same worry. If she loses him again...

Panic spikes within her at his first words, assuming he's going to propose something noble or stupid like they should live apart, but then he puts her out of her misery a few seconds later. Tension visibly drains out of her, and while she'd like to make a joke to lighten the mood, this topic is too serious for her to muster that kind of response. ]

I'd prefer that, too. [ Adjusting her hold on the bowl of soup, she suddenly looks nervous, her natural trust in him letting her emotions show through much more easily than with anyone else. ] But before we— before you make those plans, there are things we should talk about.

[ She's afraid, but La'an Noonien-Singh faces her fears, even when the outcome might be devastating. ]

[ Predictable may as well translate to boring, for him. So, 'full of surprises' is the highest of compliments, indeed.

He's not sure how his suggestion will land, with her. Some guy she's only known for a week or so, asking her to share a living space? He'd absolutely understand if that's just too weird for her, and that she'd rather have her own space. That's why the tone of his request is cautious, and he's not going to be visibly upset even if she says no.

There is a moment of relief when she agrees, though. Their feelings aside, he does believe this is the smartest choice. Safety in numbers, and all. It's not like Jim would trust anyone in this place any more than he would her.

He frowns at the last of her words, eyes lingering on her in thought, before he adds— reluctant, a little concerned, not quite sure what to expect of that. ]

Alright... [ He sets his bowl aside, clearing his throat and turning to face her. Sounds serious, so he'll give her his full attention. ] What is it?

[ She hates this. What if her revealing these things ruins what they have? They've barely even started whatever this is, but what if the truth of who and what she is destroys the chance of what they could be? What if she loses her only friend in this wretched place?

There's no turning back now, though. She just has to take the leap and hope. Setting her bowl aside as well, her hands rest on her knees in tightly clenched fists and her back straightens with tension. ]

First, what do you know about me? Not opinions or impressions, just... facts.

[ Well, now he's starting to think that whatever she's about to share with him is bad. Like, really bad. Especially when she asks him to tell her what he knows about her first. Realistically, he knows he's not being put to the test here, but it's certainly concerning. ]

Not much. If you existed in my reality, I never met you. I know you're chief of security in your reality, on the same ship I captain. But you have a different captain, I know that much. [ Even if she never explicitly told him that, he could figure that much. ]

But... given your last name, and the name of the institute we went to in Toronto— [ Where I died, he thinks but doesn't say. ] I'm guessing that... whoever funded that institute was related to you somehow. Some— distant ancestor, or something. Just can't figure out how Sera destroying the reactor would have made our realities diverge so much.

[ He tips his head towards her. ] But you know.

[ That matches with what she remembers, so at their shared past is likely much the same if not exactly. It makes it easier, as do the pieces he's put together since. There's still so much else to cover, though, that she finds herself wishing they had some alcohol, even the terrible homemade concoctions people have taken to making here. ]

I do, yes. [ She shifts slightly, mentally sorting through all the possible pieces he'll need to understand this part of her history that never happened in his timeline. ] In my time, there were a series of conflicts known as the Eugenics Wars, led by Augmented humans who were genetically designed to be better. Physically, mentally, they were stronger and smarter than normal humans, but they were also... brutal. They treated normal humans as things, slaves to do their bidding because they were less than.

[ Visibly steeling herself, she pauses for just a few moments before continuing. ] The worst of them was my ancestor, Khan Noonien-Singh. He was a genocidal dictator responsible for the death of millions. According to Sera, the Romulans presumed his rule and the dark age that followed ultimately led to the creation of the Federation. So by going back in time and killing him as a child...

[ He knows that in theory, there's an infinite number of realities out there, but he can't imagine there being another weird fluke out there that would end up with the two of them meeting. Not the way they did, and not these two specific versions of them. So, as far as he's concerned (and he's seen no evidence to the contrary so far), this is the same La'an that he's met.

But it is true that there is still a lot about her he doesn't know. A lot about him she probably doesn't know either, but it seems like the former is worrying her more at the moment. While he doesn't really know why at first, the more she explains, the more he becomes aware of what seemed to be weighing on her mind.

Whether she had reason to worry is neither here nor there. Her concerns are valid, and besides, it's not like she knows him well enough to realize that he really could not care less about her ancestry.

He'll circle back to that. Right now, he listens to the explanation, the reasoning behind Sera's trip to the past, a slow nod as he connects the dots and finishes her sentence. ] She would be able to stop the Federation from coming into existence.

[ He frowns, silence sinking heavy for the few seconds he processes that information. Then, with a sigh and a raise of his eyebrows, he adds. ] Well, it looks like they weren't wrong about that.

[ There was no Federation in his reality, after all. From what little she'd told him about it, United Earth didn't even come close. ]

[ There's so much she wants to know about him. How different was his life from the Jim of her timeline? How much of it was the same? What are the moments of his childhood that most shaped him into the man he's become? But now isn't the time for those sorts of questions. Those subjects are far more intimate than the one they're discussing now, though no less personal. ]

She tried to convince me to help her. She said I could live whatever kind of life I wanted. That I could be free of him.

[ Her expression crumples slightly, just for a moment, before she stiffens and forcibly pulls herself back together, though her voice is strained with emotion. ]

I told you my family name was infamous. All my life, I've been hated and feared for it, treated as a thing because of my genetic lineage. The other children called me Augment and monster, and I had to undergo extra screenings before Starfleet would even consider my application because of the ban on genetic modification. When people hear my name, they don't see who I am, they see what I am.

[ Setting aside the likeliness that killing her ancestor would have meant she would have never existed in the first place, Jim can't imagine her taking that deal. Even knowing all the suffering she could have been spared, she has good things back there, too. A crew, friends. Something she's just as willing to protect as he would be.

Sacrificing all that isn't easy. He would know.

He doesn't know why he wasn't expecting her to describe a childhood of discrimination and intolerance, but it is surprising. He's just now absorbing this new information, learning about how her world was pushed into a war led by a genocidal megalomaniac. Doesn't mean it's right that she'd be mistreated for it, but it shouldn't be so unexpected to hear.

He clasps a hand over hers, scooting closer on the couch. ]

If that's all they see, then they're wrong, and that's their loss. What you are doesn't matter. You didn't do those things. And who you are is so much more, so much greater than whatever your ancestor did in the past.

[ It's hurts to hear him say that. You'd think it wouldn't, that she would be elated by such a proclamation, but the vise-like grip around her heart just twists in a different way than if he'd said something worse. Hope hurts, because she knows all too well how quickly it can be snuffed out. But even with the pain, she turns her hand to hold his properly, her fingers curling around his and holding on tight. He's her lifeline right now, which she knows isn't necessarily psychologically healthy, but oh well. ]

Thank you. [ The two syllables are thick with emotion that she has to shove past because the story isn't over. Grimacing slightly, she continues, her muscles not losing their tension as she slightly curls in on herself. Somehow, this feels even more personal. ]

Perhaps if others had felt that way, my family wouldn't have— We couldn't find a home on the core Federation worlds, so we left on a colony ship in hopes of finding one somewhere else.

[ Her grip on his hand tightens just slightly. ] Did you ever encounter the Gorn in your timeline?

[ It doesn't cross his mind once to treat her any differently regardless of her past, and if she has anyone who cares in any way about her in her world, he doubts they would either. It's still disheartening to hear that her or her family would have been shunned for it, forced to seek a home away from more prosperous places. It's not what he would have hoped for any idyllic future of mankind.

The moment her grip on his hand tightens, he knows her story isn't about to become any more pleasant. His mind threatens to spiral into the worst possible scenarios, but he reins it in, unfamiliarity apparent on his expression as he shakes his head. ]

No. Never heard of them.

[ Sounds like he's lucked out there, if her tone is anything to go by. ]

They're monsters. [ There's no hiding her hatred, the emotion always simmering just below the surface, ready to emerge at any moment if given the right spark. It's a quiet presentation now, like ice that's cold enough to burn, but there's a force behind it that can't fully be suppressed. ] Most people in the galaxy consider them to be something like the boogeyman, just a story to scare children, but they are very real. They are an extremely intelligent and extremely deadly reptilian species who hunt other lifeforms to serve as food and hosts for their young.

[ She can't keep sitting. Gently tugging her hand away from his, La'an stands, wrapping her arms around herself, and begins to slowly walk around the room as a way to expel some of the anxious, angry energy trapped inside her. ]

The Gorn captured our colony ship and took us to one of their breeding planets. They hunted us day and night until there was only one left: me. It was their custom to allow the last one to live, tossing them out into space on a raft as some sort of twisted, symbolic gesture, and it was pure luck that I was picked up by a Federation ship.

[ She takes a deep breath, trying to keep herself together. Losing control of her emotions won't serve any purpose now, regardless of how much she's been repressing the aftereffects of that last mission on Parnassus Beta. All those deaths, all that carnage bringing up old memories... Her voice tightens and cracks with tears she refuses to let fall. ] I was twelve years old, and I don't know that anyone in Command really believed my story until the Enterprise encountered the Gorn last year. But they're why I pursued a Security specialization. I knew they were still out there, and I knew they would come closer to Federation space.

[ She doesn't sugarcoat it, that's for sure. Jim's first instinct is to think she's exaggerating, but there is a story here, something that clearly has marked her deeply, so he's quiet and lets her work her way through it.

His concern increases the more she talks about it. Then she gets up and moves away from him, like she can't sit still, the anxiety more than evident even from just her stance, how her words shake.

She doesn't share many details, but just that little is already terrifying to think about. A child, seeing her whole family being murdered— and from her brief description of the Gorn, he can't even begin to imagine the things she saw.

And he... doesn't know what to say, or do. Feels entirely too helpless about it. He does get up, but he's cautious in the way he steps closer behind her, still keeping some distance away, like he doesn't know whether he can break into whatever bubble she's built around herself. ]

La'an... [ He lets out a breath. He just wishes he could hold her, make it go away. It's unreasonable; he knows he can't. ] Turn around? Just... look at me.

[ It's only because he asks that she stops and turns to face him, so close she could almost reach out and wrap her arms around him. That's what she wants to do. More than anything, she wants to hold on to him and pretend her past isn't soaked in pain and misery, that she isn't a survivor of more tragedies than any one person should ever have to experience.

So, she turns and looks at him as he's asked, waiting for whatever comes next. She's showing him her scars and trusting he won't hold them against her. ]

[ He's heard it all, and unless she has something more to tell him, here's the thing: he can't imagine why she would think he would feel any differently towards her. Blaming her for the actions of her ancestors is completely unreasonable, and fundamentally cruel and unfair. And as for the traumatic experiences she's lived through as a child— why would any of that push him away?

If anything, all he wants to do is pull her closer. He can't make it right, no one really can. Something like that will inevitably be a part of her for the rest of her life, regardless of how well she might work through it. But if only he can ease the burden, or at least be someone she can lean on—

He rests his hands on her arms, his touch gentle, and he leans in to press a kiss to her forehead. Rather than pull back, he just moves the rest of the way and wraps his arms around her, slowly so she has plenty of opportunity to pull away if she wants. ]

[ She doesn't pull away. How could she? As soon as his arms are around her, hers go around him in return, holding on tight because he's the only sane thing in her world. Except his existence here makes no sense, which only makes her hold on even tighter. For months now, she's thought of how he might have reacted if she'd been able to share this side of herself with him, and now...

Now she knows.

She hides her face against him, so her voice comes out muffled when she shares this final piece with him, the one she's held so close to heart all this time. ]

My older brother sacrificed himself to protect me. When you said that Sam— [ But she can't say it. Her breath hitches and she can feel the tears burning at her eyes. ] I understood what that was like. And I've tried so hard to keep him safe for you.

[ Nothing here makes any sense. They're not just in another time anymore; it's a whole other world, an entirely different reality, at least as far as he's concerned. How else would there be so many people here, from so many different versions of the same Earth?

But that doesn't mean he's not going to do what he can to ensure his and everyone else's survival. To ensure that she's safe, and not alone. He wants her to know that much, that no matter what she shares with him, it's not going to push him away.

It's a good thing they're holding each other close. So that when she brings up Sam, and emotion wells up in his chest, she can't see the way it makes his expression tense into a pained frown, his lips pressing and eyes shut tightly to keep at bay the feelings that threaten to spill over the edge. He just holds her tighter instead, his breath just barely shivering when he lets out a slow, measured breath, voice quiet. ]

Then— he couldn't be in better hands.

[ She feels the way his arms tighten around her, hears that thread in his voice that hints at how much this is affecting him, and her heart aches. If she could take on this pain for him and add it to her own, she would without hesitation. Grief and loss have been part of her life for longer than they haven't; she could handle carrying his too, if only the universe would let her.

Her fingers curl around the fabric of his clothes, bunching the layer up for a better grip to keep him with her when she says the next part, as if she's afraid whatever power is at work here will realize the gift it has given her and take it away again. ]

I hate this place... but I'm so grateful it brought me back to you.

[ He would never want that. He's long accepted the pain and loss he's been put through, that it's been a part of becoming who he is, but there are a lot of things he wishes he hadn't lost. Not for his own sake, but because— well, other people deserved their chance. His brother deserved a future, a reality where he gets to thrive and be happy, not just a lingering ache in other people's hearts.

And she deserved to have her family, to not live with the trauma of her own experiences. How different could her life have been, if not for that? Would he not have taken that pain away, if he could? It doesn't bear thought; it's not possible. This is who they are. All they can do is accept what they've been through, what has made them into who they are now. ]

Hey. [ He pulls back, the emotion clear in his eyes even if he doesn't let himself cry. Instead, he pushes past with a smile. ] You're not alone here. If it's up to me, you'll never be alone again. I've got you.

[ There are so many things she wants to tell him. Happy things that would likely be bittersweet, like how Sam has a wife and beautiful children, and how his older brother has to be dragged from his lab to get proper rest whenever they've encountered some new and exciting discovery. She wants to share the parts of her timeline that confirm he'd done the right thing in helping her back in Toronto. But this isn't the time for that. Their emotions are too raw, the pain too close to the surface, so she tucks those pieces away to save for another day.

You'll never be alone again. Those words are what finally break her, a swirling storm of grief and hope rising up within her to spill out with a force that takes her by surprise. One moment she's admiring his smile that she'd dreamed of seeing again, and the next a sob is wrenching itself from her throat as tears leave trails down her cheeks. She can't get the words to come out and so she just nods her understanding of the amazing future he's promising her. To never be alone... It's all she's ever wanted. ]

[ There are things he wants to ask about Sam. Things he wants to know, things he definitely shouldn't know, especially not now. Everything is still so raw, so painful, he has a feeling he'd fall apart if he heard all the ways Sam has a wonderful, fulfilling life in her world.

But it definitely would make his sacrifice worth it. Anything for the chance that his brother got to live.

Besides, his focus is on her right now. Very much needed, he feels like, with the way she's reacting to everything he tells her. It wasn't his intention to make her cry, but he should have been expecting it; instead, he's just caught off-guard, her emotional outburst making tears well in his own eyes, though he blinks them away and instead holds her again, letting her cry it all out against his chest. However long she needs to let it all out, he's not moving. ]

[ She'll tell him when he's ready for it. She'll tell him everything, anything he could possibly want to know. He deserves that and so much more. But for now, she just clings to him, unable to do anything to stem the flow of emotion pouring out of her.

It only lasts a few minutes, at least. Those pent-up feelings wrench themselves free and leave her feeling like she's been scraped hollow. When she finally pulls back, rubbing her hands over her face, she glances at the bowls they've neglected and actually manages a watery laugh. ]

I hope the soup still tastes good cold.

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itio - 2024-06-03 14:27 (UTC) - Expand

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rescapee - 2024-06-04 05:29 (UTC) - Expand

open/closed — is it really living if i'm just surviving?

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love noticing html mistakes after the fact

oh psh, it's fine!!

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